Selection from All’s Well That Ends Well in Tortured Paradise

February – July 2024

All’s Well that Ends Well in Tortured Paradise is the very unofficial, unpublished manuscript of a collection of poetry that I wrote between February and July of 2024. This bundle includes each and every emotion that one could feel when they are involved in the toxic non-relationship that is called the ‘situationship’.

Why toxic? In every situationship, one of the two parties has commitment issues and the other has issues with setting their boundaries. The former knows exactly what the latter persons issues are, but won’t change their behavior. Guess which of these roles I fulfilled.

One too many rollercoasters of emotions later, this ‘manuscript’ is the result of said situationship. Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a wild ride.

February

Crush

March

Phantom

The unattainability of things—

my, what a trap.

He lies at the tip of my fingers, I

Can feel it—just about. But I can’t quite reach it—him. 

He’s the phantom in my phone

if I were to shut it off, I’d shut him off—out of my life,

forever. So

I keep it turned on, because

as much as I hate to admit it:

I had him when I needed him most,

so I need him still.

It’s a craving not a crush*, but

will it ever be satisfied? I don’t know,

but that’s part of the rush

It’s a twisted mental game of hope and possibility

without trust and certainty.

But games are addictive, and

so is he. Beautiful bargaining boy, you

stopped me in my tracks

but now I’m derailed and

can’t seem to get back on.

April

Private show

what if we go back to what we used to be?

you could be my friend,

I’ll be yours,

and we’ll tell each other everything

no one else wants to hear.

you can sing me songs

and play the guitar

we’ll facetime till the early hours

and keep each other company

you could listen to my rants

and stories about the universe

I’ll listen to your jokes

and complaints about the world

you can tell me all your troubles

and the worries on your mind

I’ll listen and give my advice

you’ll then throw to the wind

I’ll tell you the rumblings of my brain

that you’ll never understand

you’ll let me speak, and know

that all I needed was to vent

you could be my guitarist

and I’ll be your audience

together, we’re a show

that no one else knows

or, if you want,

you can have me in secret

set the bed on fire**

and stay with me inside it

19/4

I feel like I’m losing you

so, in a desperate attempt to

prolong our time and avoid

the inevitable contempt

I picture you in my head

over and over, while I’m lying in bed

and touch myself in the spot

you swore you’d once get caught

feeling, loving, believing

in a world where you do exist

‘till I scream your name in waves

God, how I long for our trysts.***

May

My sunshine, my tempter

there’s this boy that I know

who I met through my phone

he used to be a stranger

but he’s come to feel like home

he filled my empty hours back in cold, grey December

I can still recall our conversations, that’s how well I remember

how he told me that he ‘loved me’ after only a couple of weeks

I thought, ‘he’s deranged,’ then said it back with a smile on my cheeks.

we talked deep into the night, my eyes watered from fatigue

I couldn’t say ‘goodnight’, I was ferociously intrigued

by this beautiful boy, dangerous, cunning;

our minds intertwined, made ordinary life

stunning—

unexpected revelry came exactly when I needed

he was my sunshine on the cloudy days

that started soon after our honeymoon phase

he carried me through heartbreak, infected my mind

with love and laughter

Guilty as sin? makes me think of him

but that wouldn’t matter, shortly thereafter

my young, impressionable mind so in awe of this man

smart, intelligent, kind, I’m so thankful

he began this precocious online connection

that’s so worth the uncertainty

I hope he’ll be here for a long, long time

so our bond can grow

beautifully.

Nevermind

hey, you there

up above on that pedestal

what is it like?

being loved without fight

being loved by a woman so sweet,

she doesn’t realize you’re shattering

the earth beneath her feet

how does it feel?

endless devotion,

love’s magic potion

that she drank that starry night

that she drinks all day to keep

you close to her, from dusk till sleep

what do you see?

could it be the morning sun

that refracts her honey glossed hair

and reflects your withering stare

‘till it sets at dawn;

ever-growing her despair.

June

Vows to Our Friendship

I promise to be a witness to your days

so they won’t go unnoticed;

I’ll be your ears when you need them

and mouth when you want it

I’ll be your eyes too if you’d like

but I have the feeling you’d rather use yours

to look at mine.

Tell me about despair; yours,

and I’ll tell you mine****

I promise to listen to every word

as long as it brings you consolation

but ignore my advice, please

cause you know better anyway

then give me some of yours because

you know I’ll need it in my younger days

I promise you’re not like any other

how could you ever be

but I must ask that you promise me

one thing in return:

that when the day finally comes

you’ll speak your mind

and won’t leave me dry and in the dark.

July

A thank-you

At the end of this book

I’d like to say thank you

for all that you did

and everything you didn’t do

thank you for leaving me wonder

even though it was torture

you left me dancing in despair

but there’s been so much magic there

thank you for being older

and giving me advice from time to time

but also for showing me

at twenty-nine, crushes can still hit as hard

as they do at twenty-three.

---

* LUNCH, Billie Eilish

** Bed on Fire, Teddy Swims

*** Guilty as Sin?, Taylor Swift

**** “Wild Geese”, Mary Oliver